I am so afraid to show anyone who I am. I don't understand why my life had so many mistakes, I really don't understand why they had to fight on that exact day. Well I'm seventeen now and all I have to show for it is no family and nothing to go home to.
I know the exact time and day my life started going rotten, my ninth birthday. It was the best party I'd ever had, you know friends, family and everything and anything you should feel and receive on your ninth birthday. Well that's how I felt until 5:09PM, 11 minutes before my party was going to end. I heard a fair amount of yelling from my mum and dad's room, so I went to investigate. I saw my dad on top of my mum punching her square in the face (talk about bad timing). Ever since that day I've been scared of men. I couldn't believe my own father could ruined the most amazing day of my life so far and at the party too, all my friends heard it, no wonder they never came over again.
For awhile all I could think about was that moment, that one moment. One thought came to mind, the fact that no matter how much love and trust there is in a relationship, being a woman is a disadvantage and it's like us women deserve to be pointlessly beaten. Well at least that was how it felt to me. Just knowing that a man that came across so sweet to me, could be the reason my mum got all those bruises, I wonder if my dad was the reason for my mum's broken arm too. I just walked out and tried to ignore what I just saw. I went back to my friends and said I just got a drink, my mum walked out a little after me, she might of heard me outside the door. I could tell something was up,she was wearing sunglasses inside, normal people don't do that.....she knelt down and kissed me on the cheek like she needed reassurance, I knew why, I saw a freshly bruised left eye, she tried to tell us it was from a jar or something falling from the top cupboard but I knew it was dad, it was pretty clear to me now that her job wasn't to blame for any of the bruises she got, come on, K-mart?
This was the first time I ever feared a person, dad of all people first person I feared was my own father, but I realised that men hurt, they show you feelings that they don't even feel to get what they want and if you don't let them have it, you'll be the only one who is hurt left in the room beaten, ever heard of the saying 'left in the lurch' well i bet that's how my mum felt at this point, Abandoned in a difficult position without any help, but thankfully she did kick him out. I don't know why she didn't do it earlier, why would you wait a whole week? fear i guess...
At my eleventh birthday party, my mum invited this guy she met at work to my party, my mum said I had to call him dad, I didn't like that so I just called him by his name, Tyler, I hated that name and everything he represented, he smoked, got drunk every night and even had a can of scotch for breakfast too and his job, well let's say he hunted and killed things. Well after awhile he started to show his true colours he was just like my dad plus those other traits. Alright, well, mum didn't leave this guy, I guess that was my fault he left her, I stabbed a fork in his arm because he grabbed my ass, mum said I was too harsh, but I don't think I was, was I?
I don't understand why my mum was so attracted to abusive men. Just last year my mum met my maths teacher because I was finishing all my work early and talking to other students who hadn't finished yet. His name to me was Mr. Hammerson but my mum called him Charles. It was good for awhile, I aced every maths test, but that really didn't matter after I saw him hit my mum and this time I was being hit too. So my mum tried to talk to him about it, she told him "I don't care if you hit me just don't hit my beautiful girl". Well he lashed out at me a few more times then he just yelled at me after that, but I still wasn't happy.....he still hit my mum.
The following Monday was a public holiday, my mum didn't have to work neither did Charles. My mum called me to her room alone. She pulled out a white stick of plastic, it was weird she looked so upset, I just looked at her. She told me this was a pregnancy test, a positive pregnancy test, "I don't want to believe it mum.....he's going to hurt you" I whispered to mum, mum nodded in agreement "I know, I don't know what to do?". Charles stormed in, pushed my mum on the bed and yelled right in my mum's face "what?! YOUR PREGNANT?! how?!" my mum tried to speak but no words came out. He was choking my mum, slowly losing breath, you could see the force on her throat, my mum tried speaking again you could just hear "stop..stop...pleaseee". Her face went pale, her whole body relaxed. Charles looked at me in the corner, crying, he thought about choking me too, you could see it in his eyes, the love for murder, the pleasure he got out of it, he walked out slamming the door behind him. I sat there crying for at least 47 minutes, I stopped myself form crying and shut my mum's eyes, she was so cold and lifeless. i hugged her remembering her smile, the happiness I always felt when i was around her and all the beautiful memories we had, I didn't want to believe she was gone forever and one moment and one man took my mummy away from me.
I waited with her until the police came, they didn't care I just lost my mum. They just pushed me away and told me to leave. When i went back it was raining, but i didn't care, it was good no one could see my tears, I crossed the 'DO NOT ENTER crime scene' tape. i went in and i just sat in the room where it happened, call me weird it helped me cope with the fact she's gone.
So here I am today, the quiet girl, reading a book to hide her feelings, that gets teased because she's not like any of the other girls, that fears men or anyone, the girl with no friends. So tired and sick of being so alone in this big world, the girl no one sees, trying to fix a broken heart and a broken spirit. The only things i have to remember my mummy by is this ring and this chain i put it on and all the beautiful memories. Well I'm sure you didn't expect that from me, did you Mr. Counsellor.
I know the exact time and day my life started going rotten, my ninth birthday. It was the best party I'd ever had, you know friends, family and everything and anything you should feel and receive on your ninth birthday. Well that's how I felt until 5:09PM, 11 minutes before my party was going to end. I heard a fair amount of yelling from my mum and dad's room, so I went to investigate. I saw my dad on top of my mum punching her square in the face (talk about bad timing). Ever since that day I've been scared of men. I couldn't believe my own father could ruined the most amazing day of my life so far and at the party too, all my friends heard it, no wonder they never came over again.
For awhile all I could think about was that moment, that one moment. One thought came to mind, the fact that no matter how much love and trust there is in a relationship, being a woman is a disadvantage and it's like us women deserve to be pointlessly beaten. Well at least that was how it felt to me. Just knowing that a man that came across so sweet to me, could be the reason my mum got all those bruises, I wonder if my dad was the reason for my mum's broken arm too. I just walked out and tried to ignore what I just saw. I went back to my friends and said I just got a drink, my mum walked out a little after me, she might of heard me outside the door. I could tell something was up,she was wearing sunglasses inside, normal people don't do that.....she knelt down and kissed me on the cheek like she needed reassurance, I knew why, I saw a freshly bruised left eye, she tried to tell us it was from a jar or something falling from the top cupboard but I knew it was dad, it was pretty clear to me now that her job wasn't to blame for any of the bruises she got, come on, K-mart?
This was the first time I ever feared a person, dad of all people first person I feared was my own father, but I realised that men hurt, they show you feelings that they don't even feel to get what they want and if you don't let them have it, you'll be the only one who is hurt left in the room beaten, ever heard of the saying 'left in the lurch' well i bet that's how my mum felt at this point, Abandoned in a difficult position without any help, but thankfully she did kick him out. I don't know why she didn't do it earlier, why would you wait a whole week? fear i guess...
At my eleventh birthday party, my mum invited this guy she met at work to my party, my mum said I had to call him dad, I didn't like that so I just called him by his name, Tyler, I hated that name and everything he represented, he smoked, got drunk every night and even had a can of scotch for breakfast too and his job, well let's say he hunted and killed things. Well after awhile he started to show his true colours he was just like my dad plus those other traits. Alright, well, mum didn't leave this guy, I guess that was my fault he left her, I stabbed a fork in his arm because he grabbed my ass, mum said I was too harsh, but I don't think I was, was I?
I don't understand why my mum was so attracted to abusive men. Just last year my mum met my maths teacher because I was finishing all my work early and talking to other students who hadn't finished yet. His name to me was Mr. Hammerson but my mum called him Charles. It was good for awhile, I aced every maths test, but that really didn't matter after I saw him hit my mum and this time I was being hit too. So my mum tried to talk to him about it, she told him "I don't care if you hit me just don't hit my beautiful girl". Well he lashed out at me a few more times then he just yelled at me after that, but I still wasn't happy.....he still hit my mum.
The following Monday was a public holiday, my mum didn't have to work neither did Charles. My mum called me to her room alone. She pulled out a white stick of plastic, it was weird she looked so upset, I just looked at her. She told me this was a pregnancy test, a positive pregnancy test, "I don't want to believe it mum.....he's going to hurt you" I whispered to mum, mum nodded in agreement "I know, I don't know what to do?". Charles stormed in, pushed my mum on the bed and yelled right in my mum's face "what?! YOUR PREGNANT?! how?!" my mum tried to speak but no words came out. He was choking my mum, slowly losing breath, you could see the force on her throat, my mum tried speaking again you could just hear "stop..stop...pleaseee". Her face went pale, her whole body relaxed. Charles looked at me in the corner, crying, he thought about choking me too, you could see it in his eyes, the love for murder, the pleasure he got out of it, he walked out slamming the door behind him. I sat there crying for at least 47 minutes, I stopped myself form crying and shut my mum's eyes, she was so cold and lifeless. i hugged her remembering her smile, the happiness I always felt when i was around her and all the beautiful memories we had, I didn't want to believe she was gone forever and one moment and one man took my mummy away from me.
I waited with her until the police came, they didn't care I just lost my mum. They just pushed me away and told me to leave. When i went back it was raining, but i didn't care, it was good no one could see my tears, I crossed the 'DO NOT ENTER crime scene' tape. i went in and i just sat in the room where it happened, call me weird it helped me cope with the fact she's gone.
So here I am today, the quiet girl, reading a book to hide her feelings, that gets teased because she's not like any of the other girls, that fears men or anyone, the girl with no friends. So tired and sick of being so alone in this big world, the girl no one sees, trying to fix a broken heart and a broken spirit. The only things i have to remember my mummy by is this ring and this chain i put it on and all the beautiful memories. Well I'm sure you didn't expect that from me, did you Mr. Counsellor.
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